A Time to Grieve

I have done, or am in the process of doing, a number of things in order to help myself and my family through the grieving process. I didn't just have a miscarriage, my baby died. I have two children and one of them is in heaven. This loss is the hardest that I have experienced and part of that is because it is unlike any other loss. This baby didn't have a chance to live. We have no memories to look back on, he didn't have a name, he didn't have a funeral, we don't have any pictures of him, we don't have any mementos of his, he had no identity.

We decided to name him Kaden Nathaniel. This is one thing that we can do to give him an identity. We didn't have a name picked out since we didn't know at the time he was a boy, so I wanted a name that meant something. Kaden means "fighter". He was definitely a fighter. He made it farther than most little babies do when they are battling what he had to battle. Nathaniel means "gift from God" and it is a form of Nathan after his father. This child was a gift from God, as all children are.

I got a ring so that I have something to wear on a daily basis as a reminder of my son that I lost. It is a green Amethyst ring. The Amethyst symbolizes remembrance and love and is the stone of February, which is when he was conceived. Normally Amethysts are purple, but this one is green as a symbol of the month of May when he was born.

I found a wonderful website that serves as a memorial for young lives lost. The woman who runs it is a photographer who lives near the beach in Australia and takes requests to write your child's name in the sand and photograph it. It is then added to the website as a memorial for your child. At the time I made the request, we had not yet named Kaden, therefore I requested a love heart to be drawn, which is what she will do for miscarried babies with no name. I am anxiously awaiting this.

I am taking things one day at a time and learning how to deal with the loss of a child. Something that I never thought I would have to do. I am so grateful to all our family and friends who have been there for us through this experience and who continue to be there for us as we continue on our journey. As I said before, talking about our little boy and about what we are going through is something that is helping me tremendously, so don't be afraid to ask. I will gladly share.